Jamoombahadeen
From NexusWiki
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And lo, did the great Jamoomba awaken from his furred slumber and look out, and saw his faithful had dwindled and were no longer capable of fluffing his great multitudes of pillowed majesty. And thus did Fatmouse, his prophet, come down to the people of St. Germaine, and declare, "pick ye people from your swarming mass a cadre of crack commandos, who couldst escape from a military stockade, and douse their hairs with the oil of the sperm whale, as did the great Jamoombist Napoleon, and smear thine shoulderboards with husked vermilion death, as was taught by the great Kissinger, and send them forth, as the Jamoombahadeen!" And they were sent forth with much pillaging and blandishments, and lo did the oppressors of the faithful of Jamoomba learn anew his foul gaze and fearsome stubbed teeth. For the great Jamoomba desires not glory, nor wealth, nor hygiene, but death and the majesty of death and the purity of death and the umbrage of death and all its most silvered hangers-on.
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[edit] Duty
Let's put it this way, you are welcome to join the great and glorious cult of the Furry One, but his temple is located on an island hidden deep within Purgatory. It's probably the second- or third-most out-of-the-way place you've ever been to. Which is to say you probably want to have flight or some other means of fancy-pants maneuvering if you want to make a real go of it. There's some good hunting out there, better hunting than you'd expect, but without an ability to travel the void then you're going to complain quite a bit about how slippery those chains can get.
[edit] Valor
We raid.. like crazy. The core of the Jamoombahadeen are folks that have played together a long time in various games, and we're pretty good at coordinating our efforts. We're still figuring the ins and outs of Nexuswar, so if there's some old hands who want to work with a well-oiled machine of death and destruction, come on by.
A passage from the Letter of Fatmouse to the Marrakunians (Chapter 8 - on Death) -
"If I shoot with the guns and bows of men and of angels, but do not kill, I am only a pathetic wanker who is good at target practice. If I have the gift of throwing lightning bolts and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have magicks that can rain acid from the skies, but do not kill, I am a worthless parlor trick conjurer. If I take all the beer away from the Demons of Hell and surrender my liver to the wonders of high blood alcohol, but do not kill, I am only a sodden drunk.
When I was a child, I fought like a child, I hit like a child, I kicked like a child. When I got bigger and stronger and far more grumpy, I put childish ways behind me. Now I hit, kick, shoot, bite, stab, maim, crush, burn, impale, and otherwise do great bodily violence on my fellow beings in far more interesting and painful ways. For now I know that the Glory of Death, the Majesty of Death, the icky red staining your Sunday best body armor Splatterings of Death are a fragrant offering to the All Seeing, All Smelling One.
And now these three remain: Beer, Titties and Death. But the greatest of these is Death."
[edit] Prosperity
We hold grudges, big time. And we're just as good to our friends as we are vindictive to our enemies. Long ago, in the Age of Malton, the Jamoombahadeen declared righteous holy war against Cowboy Up and his CDF. Many years after the death of Cowboy Up in a tragic yachting accident near the resting place of Jamoomba's favorite pet, the thousand-thorned Vulpathis, the Jamoombahadeen still carry on their holy crusade against the foul organization of pulchritudinal despotism. Woe to the CDF, woe unto it and its children and its children's childrens, and their pets, and their BFFs and even their Top Eights.
[edit] Titties and Beer
The fundamental teachings of the great and hoary lord Jamoomba are that the only way through Paradise and into salvation are titties and beer. If you don't mention titties and beer in your description of the Jamoombahadeen, then your fellow Jamoombahadeen will grow riled and filled with much gnashing anger and demand that you rectify your mistake. They will then ceremonially kill your player with tacky lines stolen from movies that only your uncles have seen.
[edit] The Great Schism
A passage from The Book of the Nine Prophets (Chapter 4 - The Turning of the Wheel)-
“And in those days, when the Prophet Fatmouse brought forth from the Holy Mount the Great Commandments of Jamoomba carved upon wheels of Roquefort, the second amongst these Great Truths was the Commandment of The Titties and Beer - ‘Though shalt liberate from the unbelievers their hot womenfolk and their fine ales.’ There was much celebration amongst the multitude of the Warriors of Jamoomba, until the Heresiarch Ghuudra decreed that the Commandment of The Titties and Beer gave primacy to Titties and decried the many delicious ales and lagers as a lesser gift of the Furry One. The enraged priests of the Holy Brewery, when they heard this heresy, writhed with anger and spat on the name of Ghuudra. And there were those amongst them (amongst the sober ones anyway) who, so distressed by the decree of Ghuudra, flung themselves onto sharp blades, rending their finery without care for the cost and rejecting the affections of the Jamoomba Spanking Harem. For the foul heresy of Ghuudra had so angered the priests that they denounced “Titties and Beer,” and cried to the heavens a new song of “Beer and Titties.” And there was one amongst them, Burpsis, who led the uprising against Ghuudra.
And a vast army of Jamoombahadeen crying “Beer and Titties” rode out against the schismatics of Ghuudra the Heresiarch, and waged a terrible battle on the plains of Rhama, which shook the earth for many days and spilled the blood of many of the faithful and heretic alike, until the Prophet of the All Seeing and Smelling one himself appeared and spoke thus: 'Beer and Titties, Titties and Beer, its all good.'
Thus did the battle stop, and Ghuudra was given over to the Jamoombahadeen who flayed him alive and cast him into the midden. Once again the Faithful of the Furry One did joyously return to the liberation of hot young ladies and consumption of hoppy beverages.”
[edit] Eschatological Madness
It is said that the great Jamoomba cannot return to the mortal plane until his followers finish his beer volcano and stripper factory. Some theologians have noted the parallels between Jamoombaism and Pastafarianism in that both stress beer volcanoes and stripper factories as essential doctrinal points. However, followers of Jamoomba hold that their view is superior, as it promises the delivery of Beer and Titties on Earth (or the nexus if you will), rather than in some distant and theoretical afterlife.
